Working Out

How I feel when I work out:

How I feel when I don’t:

So the question is, why the hell do I get lazy and lose all my tyrannoness?

 

Rock of Aging

The 23 year old me:

“Hmm let’s see, it’s Friday, what the hell is going on tonight?”

*Looks on internet, clicks on local entertainment website, checks events calendar*

“Oh cool, I like that band. They’re at Dirty, Dingy, Smoky Club Dowtown tonight? I love that place! It’s such a shit hole! I love shit holes, because I’m in my early 20′s and don’t care about hygiene or being mugged! What time’s the show? 9 o’clock? Awesome, because I really have no motivation to go anywhere before 8 pm. It’s going to be awesome watching two other bands play that I don’t give a shit about, and wait until nearly midnight to see the one group I want to see! Maybe I’ll just stay up after I get home too? Fuck it, I’ve never just sat around drinking until the sun came up, let’s see what happens!”

The 30 year old me:

“Oh fuck yes, it’s Friday. I’ve been getting up at 6:30 am all week and I’ve had to either shovel snow or scrape the ice off my car all goddamn week, and my commute has taken 10 minutes longer due to the idiots too dumb to drive in snow. I can’t wait to crack open a beer and not do jack shit. Oh wait, what’s this on my Facebook?”

*Clicks events notice, sees a show by a band I enjoy is playing nearby tonight*

“Hey, maybe I could go to that? Okay what time does it start?”

*Doors open at 9 pm, three bands are on the bill. I have heard of one of them, and it plays last*

“Uh…9 pm start, band won’t go on until 11:30 or so, I’ve been up since 6:30, my car payment’s due and the next pay period isn’t for a week – oh and it’s cold.”

*                  *                    *

“Fuck it, not going.”

 

Yithian Psychic Healing

“[T]he Great Race … waxed well-nigh omniscient, and turned to the task of setting up exchanges with the minds of other planets, and of exploring their pasts and futures. It sought likewise to fathom the past years and origin of that black, aeon-dead orb in far space whence its own mental heritage had come – for the mind of the Great Race was older than its bodily form. . . The beings of a dying elder world, wise with the ultimate secrets, had looked ahead for a new world and species wherein they might have long life; and had sent their minds en masse into that future race best adapted to house them…” Description of the Great Race of Yith, HP Lovecraft

Did you know that eons ago we were visited by great beings with vast, psychic powers and a command of cosmic energy? Though they left long ago, the great Yithians embedded into our planet the secret of their gifts, secrets the ancients have tapped into for centuries to learn ancient knowledge of the universe! From Confucius to Buddha to Jesus to Nostradamus and beyond, the psychic imprint of the Yith is deep within our minds, waiting to be unlocked!

Don’t be left in the dark! Tap into your inner potential! Come with us today and learn the secrets of the Yith, and you too will have command of energy, and be a conduit to the universe!

The Art of the Captive Mind is a martial practice that emphasizes mental concentration while simultaneously achieving immaterial detachment from our physical plane, for the Yith and their secrets do not reside in our dimension. Opening your third eye is key to witnessing the fields where the Yith commune and pass their secrets of antiquity. Becoming a captive mind to their neural channels ensures communion with the Yith, one that grants ultimate understanding of the universe and command over powers unimaginable!

Want to know the real “Secret?” It’s not the just a law of attraction, it’s a captive mind and open eyes! Ask and you will receive. Open your neural channel, and the Yith will fill your empty void. Start today! Become a captive mind for the Yith!

This post has been paid for by the SOT Council For Yithian Psychic Healing, Inc. and Captive Minds Ltd.

 

Toothiology

Namaste!

Sunbow Holistic Dental Healing, Inc. invites you to come try treating your teeth the way the ancients did, through the holistic practice of toothiology! Toothiology goes back centuries and looks towards a mind-body-spirit connection to better treat your teeth. It is painless, has no side effects and has no need for expensive and mood-altering gases and injections.

Do you fear going to the dentist? Does the thought of pain, drills and pliers going into your mouth give you the heebie-jeebies? Are you uncertain about the so-called “certainty” of dental science? Then come find an alternative way to take care of your teeth. Toothiology spares you the fret and worry of invasive procedures, noisy and painful drills and we treat your teeth the way nature intended.

What makes toothiology even more helpful is that you don’t need any insurance to visit us! Ignore those confusing co-pays and deductibles, don’t worry about what your coverage ceiling is, because with toothiology, none of those things exist! For a simple, flat fee of $80 we will use natural, painless means to ease tooth pain, perform routine cleanings and ensure that your teeth are healed through the mind, body and spirit.

Here is a list and brief descriptions of the various means toothiology uses to provide holistic healing to your teeth:

• Natural mouthwash: free of alcohol and dangerous chemicals that hurt the environment and cause burning when you rinse
• Quantum rinsing: a treated rinse of nanoparticlized gerum water that is infused with our patented DentalPlus spacial memory. It is painless and guaranteed to rid tooth pain, clear up plaque and improve gum health.
• Enamel massaging: careful massage of the teeth to strengthen enamel. Available in both physical and reiki. Let natural energy stimulate tooth enamel strength and structure.
• Light cleaning: beams of light emitted by our IncisoBeam project photons onto your teeth and gums, activating their inner healing powers and improving both gum and teeth health.
• Deep gargling: a special compound of natural, healing herbs developed by renowned Chinese herbalists is fed through a tube into your mouth, allowing you to constantly gargle and clear you mouth and throat of harmful vibes and germs.

All of these means and more are employed by our trained, practiced Toothiologists to ensure a painless, natural healing experience. Toothiology works as an alternative to mainstream dentistry, aka Big Mouth, who put emphasis on painful, invasive procedures that are scary and expensive. We keep our patients’ comfort at the optimum at all times and make sure you come in and walk away relieved, refreshed and in tune with the universe – all through your very own teeth!

Want to know more? Go to our website at Sunbowteeth.com. Discover more about Toothiology through the National Toothiology Foundation at Toothiology.org.

Blessed be! We look forward to meeting you!

 

Mike Tomlin Doesn’t Care About Your Crap

Topic suggested by Katie McCann: Mike Tomlin, coach of the Pittsburgh Steelers

Mike Tomlin is not interested in your questions. He is going to do what he has to do to win seven fucking Super Bowls. Mike Tomlin just got finished killing a buck by staring it down. He has a lot of venison to prepare for his family and he simply isn’t interesting in hopping around and celebrating an AFC Championship victory.

You see, Mike Tomlin doesn’t coach football. He doesn’t give football that kind of deference. Mike Tomlin shows up and expects football to apologize for disturbing his death-stare into an open horizon. Football will then say it was sorry for ever crossing his range of vision, and in utter terror surrender unto him the victory.

Yes Mike knows his starting quarterback can’t keep his fucking prick in his trousers. Mike doesn’t have time for your goddamn speculation as to what happened on those nights in question. What he knows is that if Ben doesn’t throw that ball down the field and score, the fury of a thousand bombs going off won’t stop Mike Tomlin from making a wallet out of Ben Roethlisberger’s fat face. Ben lies awake every night, cold and shivering, knowing that while Mike Tomlin doesn’t give a good god damn what he does on his personal time, when Big Ben shows up, he better pump and fake and win that motherfucking game.

The Steelers have lost before under Tomlin’s iron grip. The results were never pretty. PTSD doesn’t begin to describe the aftermath. Million dollar athletes understood what it was like to be conscripted soldiers in an icy march against the frost giants at the beginning of time.

Gravity even sends Mike Tomlin thank you notes for allowing it to keep him stationary on the planet. The universe could not handle a Mike Tomlin unrestricted by physics.

Sunday is just another day for Mike Tomlin. Another day he has to cease contemplating whatever mysterious thoughts drift across his mind and focus on the game of football. Unfortunately his bone-chilling gaze will fixate on the Green Bay Packers. No tundra can prepare them for this. Call Mrs. Rogers and inform her that her Aaron won’t be coming home.

 

B-Sides: Ah-Wassailing We Go

*This had been intended for Christmas release, but since I don’t drink anymore, the idea became irrelevant. I’m showing this now for anyone else who might want to do what’s discussed below.*

Now that Halloween is over, here in America it’s basically Christmastime, whether you like it or not. In fact on Halloween I was at the grocery store to grab some beverages (Leine’s Nut Brown and Strongbow, fyi), and already the Halloween seasonal section was 90% gone, and there stood a 7′ pallet, shrink-wrapped and loaded up with Christmas candy.

Lewis Black once did a great routine on Christmas called “Christmas Halftime.” In it, he relates how Thanksgiving was just fine before “Santa started poking his ass into it.” I tend to agree with Mr. Black, but nobody can change the flow now. Christmas starts on November 1st. You can’t avoid it. You may as well make fun of it. And that is what I intend to do.

Wassail is a mulled, spice drink associated with Yule. To go wassailing was to literally sing to your orchards. It was a harvest ritual. That branched out to singing to people. If you have a historic district in your town, as I did growing up, you will likely see hired singing troupes in period dress doing this. It’s rare to see wassailers in the suburbs, but this year my neighborhood is in for a surprise.

My goal is to round up some friends, maybe three or four, and learn a selection of holiday songs – only these will be of the satirical and baudy variety, and will include some good old, Irish drinking songs. It’s time to bring back the wassail, both in drink form and in practice. Only let’s fuck with it.

Here’s my idea for our “setlist,” so to speak:

“Jingle Bells (Batman Smells)”

“Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer”

“What Do You Do With A Drunken Sailor?”

“Donald, Where’s Your Trousers?”

“I Saw Mommy ______ Santa Claus” (Insert sex act where appropriate)

“Merry Fucking Christmas” (From South Park)

“Christmas in Heaven” (Monty Python)

 

G-g-g-g-ghost?!!

Oh no! Breath condensation and/or cigarette smoke!

If I hosted a ghost hunting show, this is what mine would be like:

• There would be a carpenter, plumber, electrician and engineer on the staff
• We’d go into the house both in the day and during the night (‘Cause nighttime makes it scary!)
• We’d check out all the noises, drafts, lights (Ooooh, what’s that?!)
• Then we’d come up with an estimate for the property owner to fix their house

It would finally put the ghost hunting shows together with the home improvement shows – Ghost Builders.

 

I was Thinking About that Scene in Empire Records, When….

And another thing: how come I don’t see any slutty Slymenstra Hymen costumes on Yandy.com? That’s what I want to know.

 

Season of the Witch

Okay if you have never heard of Michael Bloomfield or Al Kooper,  remedy this right now. Together they hooked up with Stephen Stills (Buffalo Springfield, Crosby Stills & Nash) and produced one, spectacular album, Super Session. It’s blues, it’s soul, it’s R&B, it’s rock and roll, and it’s all in one package. These guys basically laid down one of their best albums of their lives and it was done for fun.

One of the standout tracks on the LP was “Season of the Witch.” It has the soulful melodies you’d hear on a classic Stevie Wonder record, the wild rhythms of a Hendrix LP, and out front is Michael Bloomfield with his voice and guitar. Hot damn. Listen for yourself.

 

8 More Days to Halloween, Halloween

Silver Shamrock!

The third Halloween movie is known for completely breaking from the Michael Myers tale. It was subtitled Season of the Witch, and its plot is a conspiracy by an elderly, Irish toy and costume maker out to use old, Celtic magic to torture and kill young children through the use of television and cursed masks. His company, Silver Shamrock, runs a commercial that kind of goes like this:

The music was done by John Carpenter and it’s completely creepy. The lyrics go, “Happy happy Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Happy happy Halloween, Silver Shamrock!”

Well what basically scarred me for life was that one, I saw this movie when I was a kid (Like a real little kid), and the image of the boy wearing the mask while the commercial comes on and how it basically crushes his head, and the woman’ disembodied robot arm attacking the protagonist, are burned into my mind. What makes it all the more creepy is that when I was little, my mom used to sing a Halloween song that went like this:

“10 more days to Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, 10 more days to Halloween, Silver Shamrock!”

Add or subtract the days but yes, she actually sang me the Silver Shamrock jingle to get me excited for Halloween. I didn’t realize this until I watched the movie as an adult. Yet she can’t understand why I’m so into horror and “that blood and guts stuff.”

To quote an 80s PSA: “You alright! I learned it by watching you!”